So it is Friday afternoon and I am running behind. It is hard to even look at school work and focus. I have been in Tipton with my family since Wed. night. My uncle has been very sick and we have a small family that sticks together. I just got back home about an hour ago. I decided that I was gonna try and get done what I could. I have been sitting here for thirty minutes and I could not make myself start writing.
Me and Kyle got back together....again and it is the happiest I have ever been. I think being surrounded by my girlfriends all the time and staying tied up in greek life almost caused me to pass up on the boy im supposed to marry.
This all might sound extremely dumb to people that do not know me or Kyle, but you can ask Morgan or Brooxie about it. When we are together, nothing else matters. He can make my worries go away and I do not feel the need to go out. I really hope that this time we can make things work. He is mor important to me than anything else. he is family. He was with me the last couple days. In time of need, you find out who are the ones that really care.
Last, but not least I have been having this whole turmoil whether or not I should move back home in the fall. It is a far drive, but I keep thinking if I stay at home I know the temptations will be much less and everything much easier to balance. I miss my mom and my dad. I was hoping by this time next year, me and Kyle could be looking for our own apartment. I am not sure if that is the best idea, but then again I would rather be with him than worry about it.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Last blog of the week
Well, it is time for the weekend. Thank God! I got my license back today, so if yall want to say congrats GO RIGHT AHEAD! haha. I am so so excited! Me, my mom, my dad, and my boyfriend are going to Mr. B's tonight to celebrate. I know, I am really cool right?
Saturday night I am going out to my parent's house to stay the night, so I can get up and go the church in the morning. I feel guilty, because I have not been in so long. I talked to someone the other day about going to church and it touched me. She was saying how Jesus died for our sinds and if we believe in thats all there is to it. There are no bylaws in the Bible, that say we have to attend church to go to heaven. I do not go to church, because I think I am going to impress God. I got o church, because when I leave I feel like a different person. It almost gives me a sense of cleansing.
My goal for this year is to stay closer with God and my family. I am going to try and move myself away from temptation to do things I should not. I am most certainly not some holy roller, but I just want to try and be the best person I can be. I know if i keep on the track I am on, that nothing will change. I care tremendously for my friends and family, so its my responsibilty to give them something to be proud of!
Saturday night I am going out to my parent's house to stay the night, so I can get up and go the church in the morning. I feel guilty, because I have not been in so long. I talked to someone the other day about going to church and it touched me. She was saying how Jesus died for our sinds and if we believe in thats all there is to it. There are no bylaws in the Bible, that say we have to attend church to go to heaven. I do not go to church, because I think I am going to impress God. I got o church, because when I leave I feel like a different person. It almost gives me a sense of cleansing.
My goal for this year is to stay closer with God and my family. I am going to try and move myself away from temptation to do things I should not. I am most certainly not some holy roller, but I just want to try and be the best person I can be. I know if i keep on the track I am on, that nothing will change. I care tremendously for my friends and family, so its my responsibilty to give them something to be proud of!
Inspiration
So, I am always rambling about being optimistic and keeping your head up and stuff. Here are some of my favorite poems, that brighten my day.
Hope
by Brian Quinn
When all about you is black with gloom,And all you feel is pending doom.When your bones are racked with grim despair -When every breath is a gasp for air.Keep on going, though you need to grope,For around the bend is a ray of hope.A ray of hope is perhaps all that's left,As your will to live has been bereft.You've lost it all, it's just no use!You can end it all, you need no excuse.But throw away that piece of rope,And give yourself a chance of hope.Just give yourself another day,Brushing aside what your thoughts may say.This is your life and you can make a new start,By ignoring the brain - just follow the heart.Taking baby steps in order to cope,And minute by minute you'll build on your hope.Build on your hope,. one day at a time,Though the road be steep and hard to climb.The hurts of the past - they should be dead.The fears of the future are all in your head.Just live in the present and refuse to mope Your life will sparkle for you're living in hope
The Road Less Traveled
by Kit McCallum
How often we must bear the challenges of life;The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;The constant ups and downs of daily strife.And always the question remains .... why?Life is not an easy road for most;It twists and turns with many forks in the road,Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice ...Do we turn to the right ... or the left?Do we take the high road ... or the low road?Do we take the easy path ... or the difficult one?Decisions are not easy for those struggling for direction ...And sometimes the many choices and signs become overwhelming.While standing at a crossroads in life,The urge is to take the most comfortable path;The road with least resistance ...The shortest or most traveled route.And yet, if we've been down that comfortable road before;Have gleaned its lessons in life, and learned from our experiences;Do we yet again follow the known?Or does our destiny lie in another direction?The fear of the road less traveled is tangible and all too real;It manifests itself in many ways,And tends to cloud the issues that might otherwise be clear.It is in these times of confusion,That we must seek peace and solitude;Time to contemplate on our life,Our experiences and our choices past;Time to look back, and reflect on what we have learnedWithout fear or confusion.For only each of us knows our own personal thoughts;Our unique past and personal history;The experiences that brought us to the crossroads we now face.We can always learn a small degree from others experiences,And yet ... no one person can walk in our shoes,Others know not, the trials and tribulations faced in private ...For each is individual ... unique ... and personal.And that is why ... while standing at a crossroads,Only "we" can formulate the decision for ourselves;The true direction that lies within;The choices we must deliberate on with clarity and wisdom.For it is only through personal reflection,That we can now choose our destiny;... Our next adventure;... And the future we will embrace.
Hope
by Brian Quinn
When all about you is black with gloom,And all you feel is pending doom.When your bones are racked with grim despair -When every breath is a gasp for air.Keep on going, though you need to grope,For around the bend is a ray of hope.A ray of hope is perhaps all that's left,As your will to live has been bereft.You've lost it all, it's just no use!You can end it all, you need no excuse.But throw away that piece of rope,And give yourself a chance of hope.Just give yourself another day,Brushing aside what your thoughts may say.This is your life and you can make a new start,By ignoring the brain - just follow the heart.Taking baby steps in order to cope,And minute by minute you'll build on your hope.Build on your hope,. one day at a time,Though the road be steep and hard to climb.The hurts of the past - they should be dead.The fears of the future are all in your head.Just live in the present and refuse to mope Your life will sparkle for you're living in hope
The Road Less Traveled
by Kit McCallum
How often we must bear the challenges of life;The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;The constant ups and downs of daily strife.And always the question remains .... why?Life is not an easy road for most;It twists and turns with many forks in the road,Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice ...Do we turn to the right ... or the left?Do we take the high road ... or the low road?Do we take the easy path ... or the difficult one?Decisions are not easy for those struggling for direction ...And sometimes the many choices and signs become overwhelming.While standing at a crossroads in life,The urge is to take the most comfortable path;The road with least resistance ...The shortest or most traveled route.And yet, if we've been down that comfortable road before;Have gleaned its lessons in life, and learned from our experiences;Do we yet again follow the known?Or does our destiny lie in another direction?The fear of the road less traveled is tangible and all too real;It manifests itself in many ways,And tends to cloud the issues that might otherwise be clear.It is in these times of confusion,That we must seek peace and solitude;Time to contemplate on our life,Our experiences and our choices past;Time to look back, and reflect on what we have learnedWithout fear or confusion.For only each of us knows our own personal thoughts;Our unique past and personal history;The experiences that brought us to the crossroads we now face.We can always learn a small degree from others experiences,And yet ... no one person can walk in our shoes,Others know not, the trials and tribulations faced in private ...For each is individual ... unique ... and personal.And that is why ... while standing at a crossroads,Only "we" can formulate the decision for ourselves;The true direction that lies within;The choices we must deliberate on with clarity and wisdom.For it is only through personal reflection,That we can now choose our destiny;... Our next adventure;... And the future we will embrace.
Life at this point
There comes a time in everyones life, where you need to just step back and evaluate things. It is possible, I do this just a little too much. I wander to myself am I reallt being me? I love being around people and laughing, just having a good time. When I am with Kyle, he doesnt like for me to go out. He does have a right to worry, because I know I hurt him. It is just so hard for me o not go out and be with everyone. I always worry I am throwing away some super valuable years of my life just sitting around with my boyfriend. Do not get me wrong, I am not miserable when I am with him. Every now and again, I picture what everyone else is getting to and I get jealous. I am a "free spirit" my mom says. I have never been in a relationship without cheating, until Kyle. Even with him, it is very technical. It is hard for me, because I never feel like I get the freedom in a relationship that I want. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. I dont care what he is doing, as long as at the end of the day we are still there for each other. Iwould probably never cheat or even act wild, if he would just let me go be with the girls when I wanna be. Another thing I think about is im sacrificing a bunch for Kyle, what do I get out of it? I dont feel like I get the respect I should for not doing all these things. I have given up a whole lot, when it comes to friends. What if it is all a mistake? If we break up in a year? I am going to be so mad, I wasted all this time with stupid inner turmoil? It is just so complicated to try and find a guy like that!
Realtionship status
Surprisingly enough, while I was in Panama I got back together with Kyle. It was Monday night and YEAH, I was drunk. As everyone knows, when you drink there is always a possibilty of crying. I got all upset and ran outside with my phone and started dialing! After a few attempts to get the number right, I got through to Kyle. He was asleep, I forgot it was 3 in the morning, but at this point I did not give a shit. I just started spilling my guts out and telling him I loved him and wanted him back. He was rather skeptical seeing as how, I was slurring every word and crying. God, I get so embarrasing when I drink. We ended staying on the phone for like four hours and by this time we were together. The trip was scheduled to end on Saturday. I could not take it any longer though, I missed my family and Kyle. On Wednesday, Colby drove me to Tallahassee and I took a plane to Memphis! I was home Wednesday night by 930! Kyle picked me up from the airport and we stayed up all night just "talking". haha. Needless to say, I love Kyle and at this point in my life, I know we should be together. "Don't look for Mr. Right, just look for Mr. Right Now and eventually, if he is the one the Now part just falls off." That is such a fabulous quote! I don't know if we are meant to be or anything like that, but he makes me laugh and smile. Im not looking for a husband just yet, just a cute boy to laugh with.
"its easy to hate"
"It is easy to hate, but much harder to forgive" -annonymous
I read this quote somewhere along time ago. For some reason, It can relate to almost any issue that comes along. To me, it means forgive and forget. I mean not necessarily foget, but do forgive. I think the older I get the more I realize, you can not be happy if you hold grudges. I try to not be angry with people, because it will affect me more than it affects them. Everyone knows it is so easy to get pissed off and talk shit about someone. Really though, how hard is it to bite your tongue and try to look past what just happened? Dont get me wrong, I am definitely not always the girl to do this. I am loud, bossy, opinionated and stubborn, but I try to forget about things that hurt me or make me angry. I find myself really annoyed with people, when they cant let stuff go. Life is meant to be enjoyable, but only if you make it that way. Another thing that I suppose kinda goes along with this quote is taking responsibilty for your own actions. The hardest thing i can say I have done in the last year is having to look into someones eyes that I care about and tell them the complete and honest truth. Not making excuses for what I had done, even when I knew that person was hoping there was one. Sometimes life can get dificult and seem totally unfair. I tell myself number one, "You cannot appreciate anything good, without having to experience pain" and secondly, "Never take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyways." This blog may seem a little bit silly, but it is the kind of person I am. I am an emotional, hopeless romantic, look for the best in all things kinda girl. Not to say I am always optimistic, but I like it when people surprise me for the better. Little things like that can make a girls day!
I read this quote somewhere along time ago. For some reason, It can relate to almost any issue that comes along. To me, it means forgive and forget. I mean not necessarily foget, but do forgive. I think the older I get the more I realize, you can not be happy if you hold grudges. I try to not be angry with people, because it will affect me more than it affects them. Everyone knows it is so easy to get pissed off and talk shit about someone. Really though, how hard is it to bite your tongue and try to look past what just happened? Dont get me wrong, I am definitely not always the girl to do this. I am loud, bossy, opinionated and stubborn, but I try to forget about things that hurt me or make me angry. I find myself really annoyed with people, when they cant let stuff go. Life is meant to be enjoyable, but only if you make it that way. Another thing that I suppose kinda goes along with this quote is taking responsibilty for your own actions. The hardest thing i can say I have done in the last year is having to look into someones eyes that I care about and tell them the complete and honest truth. Not making excuses for what I had done, even when I knew that person was hoping there was one. Sometimes life can get dificult and seem totally unfair. I tell myself number one, "You cannot appreciate anything good, without having to experience pain" and secondly, "Never take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyways." This blog may seem a little bit silly, but it is the kind of person I am. I am an emotional, hopeless romantic, look for the best in all things kinda girl. Not to say I am always optimistic, but I like it when people surprise me for the better. Little things like that can make a girls day!
Monday, February 25, 2008
StarT 02/25- ANXIETY!
This is an article I was reading on anxiety. It is the story of a girl names Rachel, but it can relate to anyone. I have been dealing with issues like this for years!
When you look at your friends and classmates, you might see the tall, lanky nerd who always gets straight As, the popular senior who is always laughing and smiling, or that classmate who seems to have everything under control. Sometimes this is all they will allow you to see.
And that's a shame.
Because what you may have heard before is trite but true: Nobody's perfect. In a world where people may seem perfect — or at least in control and normal — we often see ourselves as abnormal or not good enough. Whether they show it or not, though, everybody has problems of one kind or another.
The First Signs
It was the spring of my junior year of high school — a particularly stressful time for many students. I had schoolwork to do, APs to study for, nightly soccer practice, and pit band rehearsal for the school musical. To put it lightly, I was overloaded.
One night while I was sitting in my final dress rehearsal for the school play, I started thinking about my boyfriend. We'd been dating since the beginning of the school year, and because he was my first boyfriend, I was very inexperienced when it came to relationships. As I was sitting in rehearsal that night, thoughts about our relationship just kept popping up in my head. Where was our relationship going? Was it a good, healthy relationship? What was it really based on?
While these were normal questions for anyone to ask, my reactions to them were both mentally and physically overwhelming. I couldn't focus on playing my music, and I started breathing too quickly and trembling, convinced that my boyfriend would dump me and my world would fall apart. I kept imagining only the worst outcomes from this situation, until finally I couldn't sit with the band anymore. I had to leave the auditorium during the last full dress rehearsal and run to the bathroom, where I began retching in one of the stalls.
Falling Deeper
After that night, things began to worsen sharply. I missed the next 3 days of school because I told my mom I was too sick to go. And while this was true — I couldn't keep any food down for 3 days — I knew it was more because of my fears than because of any physical illness.
During those 3 days I lay in bed and constantly worried. I tried thinking through what was bothering me, and decided that any relationship that bothered me that much couldn't be good. I broke up with my boyfriend, figuring that would help, but once I had done that I still felt worried. I figured something else was wrong with my life, maybe that I was too stressed. I quit the soccer team and hoped that would help.
It didn't, and now I felt even worse. There was even more to worry about — what did my now ex-boyfriend think of me? Did he hate me? How could he still want to get back together with someone as messed up as me? Would my soccer coach think that I was just a quitter? Was I a quitter?
I started to notice that I became easily distracted from my work. In classes I would zone out of discussions completely, constantly worrying about my friends and my life, and wondering if I was normal. My psychology class was especially hard to sit through. I was sure that once we started learning new material, people would find out that I was weird or maybe even insane. What if everything I was experiencing was due to schizophrenia? I was sure I'd end up in an institution, crazy, lonely, and forgotten by all.
Over the next few weeks things improved, only to worsen again during summer vacation. My heart would race, and with all my worries I'd be too jittery to sit still. At my worst I was so nervous that anything I'd eat I'd just throw up again because I was so worried.
My parents started to worry that I was anorexic, and I only felt more misunderstood. I wanted to eat, I wanted to feel full and healthy, but my body wasn't letting me. "Just stop worrying," my parents would tell me. "You're not trying hard enough. If you just try harder you can make this stop."
But I had been trying so hard — did they think I wanted to be like this? This wasn't me at all. The me I knew was happy, fun, and lighthearted if not carefree. Now I just cried and worried, steadily lost weight, and withdrew from my friends so they couldn't find out what was happening to me. My parents knew something was very wrong and that they had to intervene. And so, for the first time ever, I ended up seeing a psychologist.
Seeing a Psychologist
I begged my parents not to make me go, and when they refused, screamed at them for forcing me to go against my will. When we showed up I was ready to hate my psychologist and show my parents how pointless this was.
And then I actually met the psychologist and found out he wasn't such a bad guy. He was there to help me — not to report back to my parents, not to have me committed to an institution, not to force any action at all — just to talk.
So we talked. Over the next few months he told me that I had generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and we worked on techniques to help me overcome my worries, such as breathing, not jumping to catastrophic conclusions, and thinking rationally. But as hard as I tried to fight this, I just couldn't kick the worrying habit. My psychologist suggested I see a psychiatrist who would be able to prescribe medication to help me. Although when we first met I said I would not go on medication, I was so ready to be myself again that I willingly agreed.
Starting Anew
With my psychiatrist's recommendation and prescription I began taking an anti-anxiety medication that's approved for teens. I also continued therapy with my psychologist. And gradually over the next few weeks my overwhelming anxiety became manageable. Nobody's life is ever completely worry-free, but my concerns were now realistic and didn't control my whole life. My parents had me back, my friends had me back — but most important, I had me back. I was me again.
So I'm not perfect, and I would never claim to be — but I'm not crazy either. Around 40 million American adults have an anxiety disorder in any given year, which doesn't take into account people under age 18 or those who may have had an anxiety disorder in the past! Knowing this helps me feel less alone; other people are going through the same thing I did.
Dealing with my anxiety has been one of the greatest challenges of my life, but as I go into my sophomore year in college, I am a better, stronger, and more confident person for everything I have gone through. I learned that living a life of fear is not living at all, and while obstacles may arise more than I'd like, there is no problem that I can't handle. I've learned to take some risks and face my challenges head on. The rewards of trying, whether I succeed or not, are always better than letting my worries run my life or wondering what would have happened if I'd only had the courage to try.
When you look at your friends and classmates, you might see the tall, lanky nerd who always gets straight As, the popular senior who is always laughing and smiling, or that classmate who seems to have everything under control. Sometimes this is all they will allow you to see.
And that's a shame.
Because what you may have heard before is trite but true: Nobody's perfect. In a world where people may seem perfect — or at least in control and normal — we often see ourselves as abnormal or not good enough. Whether they show it or not, though, everybody has problems of one kind or another.
The First Signs
It was the spring of my junior year of high school — a particularly stressful time for many students. I had schoolwork to do, APs to study for, nightly soccer practice, and pit band rehearsal for the school musical. To put it lightly, I was overloaded.
One night while I was sitting in my final dress rehearsal for the school play, I started thinking about my boyfriend. We'd been dating since the beginning of the school year, and because he was my first boyfriend, I was very inexperienced when it came to relationships. As I was sitting in rehearsal that night, thoughts about our relationship just kept popping up in my head. Where was our relationship going? Was it a good, healthy relationship? What was it really based on?
While these were normal questions for anyone to ask, my reactions to them were both mentally and physically overwhelming. I couldn't focus on playing my music, and I started breathing too quickly and trembling, convinced that my boyfriend would dump me and my world would fall apart. I kept imagining only the worst outcomes from this situation, until finally I couldn't sit with the band anymore. I had to leave the auditorium during the last full dress rehearsal and run to the bathroom, where I began retching in one of the stalls.
Falling Deeper
After that night, things began to worsen sharply. I missed the next 3 days of school because I told my mom I was too sick to go. And while this was true — I couldn't keep any food down for 3 days — I knew it was more because of my fears than because of any physical illness.
During those 3 days I lay in bed and constantly worried. I tried thinking through what was bothering me, and decided that any relationship that bothered me that much couldn't be good. I broke up with my boyfriend, figuring that would help, but once I had done that I still felt worried. I figured something else was wrong with my life, maybe that I was too stressed. I quit the soccer team and hoped that would help.
It didn't, and now I felt even worse. There was even more to worry about — what did my now ex-boyfriend think of me? Did he hate me? How could he still want to get back together with someone as messed up as me? Would my soccer coach think that I was just a quitter? Was I a quitter?
I started to notice that I became easily distracted from my work. In classes I would zone out of discussions completely, constantly worrying about my friends and my life, and wondering if I was normal. My psychology class was especially hard to sit through. I was sure that once we started learning new material, people would find out that I was weird or maybe even insane. What if everything I was experiencing was due to schizophrenia? I was sure I'd end up in an institution, crazy, lonely, and forgotten by all.
Over the next few weeks things improved, only to worsen again during summer vacation. My heart would race, and with all my worries I'd be too jittery to sit still. At my worst I was so nervous that anything I'd eat I'd just throw up again because I was so worried.
My parents started to worry that I was anorexic, and I only felt more misunderstood. I wanted to eat, I wanted to feel full and healthy, but my body wasn't letting me. "Just stop worrying," my parents would tell me. "You're not trying hard enough. If you just try harder you can make this stop."
But I had been trying so hard — did they think I wanted to be like this? This wasn't me at all. The me I knew was happy, fun, and lighthearted if not carefree. Now I just cried and worried, steadily lost weight, and withdrew from my friends so they couldn't find out what was happening to me. My parents knew something was very wrong and that they had to intervene. And so, for the first time ever, I ended up seeing a psychologist.
Seeing a Psychologist
I begged my parents not to make me go, and when they refused, screamed at them for forcing me to go against my will. When we showed up I was ready to hate my psychologist and show my parents how pointless this was.
And then I actually met the psychologist and found out he wasn't such a bad guy. He was there to help me — not to report back to my parents, not to have me committed to an institution, not to force any action at all — just to talk.
So we talked. Over the next few months he told me that I had generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and we worked on techniques to help me overcome my worries, such as breathing, not jumping to catastrophic conclusions, and thinking rationally. But as hard as I tried to fight this, I just couldn't kick the worrying habit. My psychologist suggested I see a psychiatrist who would be able to prescribe medication to help me. Although when we first met I said I would not go on medication, I was so ready to be myself again that I willingly agreed.
Starting Anew
With my psychiatrist's recommendation and prescription I began taking an anti-anxiety medication that's approved for teens. I also continued therapy with my psychologist. And gradually over the next few weeks my overwhelming anxiety became manageable. Nobody's life is ever completely worry-free, but my concerns were now realistic and didn't control my whole life. My parents had me back, my friends had me back — but most important, I had me back. I was me again.
So I'm not perfect, and I would never claim to be — but I'm not crazy either. Around 40 million American adults have an anxiety disorder in any given year, which doesn't take into account people under age 18 or those who may have had an anxiety disorder in the past! Knowing this helps me feel less alone; other people are going through the same thing I did.
Dealing with my anxiety has been one of the greatest challenges of my life, but as I go into my sophomore year in college, I am a better, stronger, and more confident person for everything I have gone through. I learned that living a life of fear is not living at all, and while obstacles may arise more than I'd like, there is no problem that I can't handle. I've learned to take some risks and face my challenges head on. The rewards of trying, whether I succeed or not, are always better than letting my worries run my life or wondering what would have happened if I'd only had the courage to try.
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